Understanding Exile
I attended a wonderful session by Aruna Gopakumar on Leadership and Exile where I realized how life may put us through situations which seem like exile only to learn about ourselves. One of my key takeaways was exile is indeed painful, yet it is not a punishment and it can be a gift for the following reasons
1) It forces us to distance ourselves from old identities while exploring new dimensions of ourselves
2) It offers us new allies who come into our lives unexpectedly
3) It creates a space for deeper reflection and meaning-making
Exile offers us gifts, but they will not come in the way we want. Hence it is up to us to acknowledge and accept them.
“We learn, grow and become compassionate and generous as much through exile as homecoming, as much through loss as gain, as much through giving things away as in receiving what we believe to be our due.” – David Whyte
Boundaries not walls
Setting boundaries is important for our own wellbeing. Yet unknowingly we end up building walls. Walls are rigid and a defensive mechanism which gets created out of fear or anger. The boundaries on the other hand are responsive, dialog driven, and a way to define who we are. It is created with openness and vulnerability. The way we express ourselves and see others through boundaries is different from the way we express ourselves and see others with walls.
Building Walls was our survival tactic in our younger days but need not be for the rest of our lives
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown
Coaching your star players
One of my client talked about a star performer in his team and how he is comfortable giving this team member bigger responsibilities.
I asked my client -“How are you coaching her?”
My client’s response – “Well, I am giving her bigger responsibilities and let her run it.”
My response – “Well that may not be enough. It wont be long when she realizes you do not care for her development and leaves your team.”
Good performers do not need coaching is a belief held by many managers. They fail to understand the value of investing time in nurturing these talents. Good performers may not need handholding or course correction but they definitely need support on where they can head and what is required for them to develop.
“You can indeed see a significant return on the development you invest in your high potentials.” – From the book ‘Help them grow or watch them Go’