Externalizing solution
When we cannot grapple with a problem, we tend to unconsciously wait for someone outside to come and solve it for us. A recent experience in a group setting made me realize how eagerly we were expecting someone outside to do something for us. One reason for this was our unwillingness to call out what was happening within the group and confront reality. Being challenged by an outsider is much easier than being challenged by one among us.
“I consider it an extremely dangerous doctrine, because the more likely we are to assume that the solution comes from the outside, the less likely we are to solve our problems ourselves.” – Carl Sagan, American Astronomer
Need for likeability
Our relationship with authority figures is complex. On one hand, we want them to approve, validate, and authorize what we already know and do. On the other hand, we want our independence to exert our choices. Another unexplored need is the desire for likeability. While we want our parents, teachers, or leaders to like us, we also wish them to be likable and friendly towards us. This blinds us from relating to them in the context of the work that needs to be done. It may be too late to discover that there was little progress, less learning, and no growth when a friendly leader does not take on the tough work of holding everyone accountable for their roles.
“Everybody wants to be good, but not many are prepared to make the sacrifices it takes to be great. To many people, being nice in order to be liked is more important. There’s equal merit in that, but you must not confuse being good with being liked.” – Paul Arden, Author
Change equation DxVxF>R
Many seek a coach’s help to change their outside world, but eventually realize that coaching is about the inner work that one needs to do before they can see things change outside for them. Motivation to change is best captured by an equation I came across recently:
DxVxF>R
D stands for Dissatisfaction with what is: This can start with an external situation but there is also unhappiness with who we are being.
V stands for Vision of what could be: This means looking at the future self with hope and courage. Daring to see what can lie beyond.
F stands for First step to reach the vision: This involves looking at what can be done now. It is about moving forward from the position of being stuck
R stands for Resistance to change: It denotes our inherent urge to maintain the status quo.
The combination of all the above three factors need to be large enough to overcome the resistance to change.
“Nothing happens in the “real” world unless it first happens in the images in our heads.” – Gloria E. Anzaldúa, American scholar of Chicana feminism, cultural theory, and queer theory.